Christmas Gifts For The Greats, Near-Greats And Ingrates
Sam-ta Claus has a tradition of cobbling up a list of gift suggestions for the rich and famous who are too busy — these days trying to ruin the world – to do holiday shopping for themselves.
Merry Christmas to them and here’s what they should find under their trees.
Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden: Matching 55-gallon drums of Botox so they don’t need to share. Yes, both will continue to look like walking cadavers in 2021, but at least their skin will have that artificial stretched look, sort of like the working surface of a snare drum.
William Barr and John Durham: A copy of Abbott and Costello’s Who’s On First? script. These bumblers make the Abbott and Costello duo doing their famous routine look like a pair of geniuses by comparison.
President Trump: He can self-gift all-inclusive pardons to himself and his family members because if the Deep State was able to gin up false charges and harass him when he operated from the Oval Office, imagine what they will do when he is out of power.
Eric Swalwell: A blowup Asian sex doll so he won’t need to keep company with and/or employ Chinese spies.
Kamala Harris: Two gifts for our would-be Number Two in the executive branch. First, she gets her very own Joe Biden voodoo doll, the better to speed up her ascent to the top, as her handlers have planned. Also, Harris needs a DVD of the movie “The Manchurian Candidate” as background
Governor Tom Wolf: A scale model of Pennsylvania so he can take out all his lockdown anger on the toy state and leave the real thing alone and hopefully avoid the economic collapse he seems determined to guarantee.
Dr. Tony Fauci: Someone to take notes for him and remind him when he’s pulling a 180-degree turn in his public comments.
John Bolton: An industrial-sized mustache comb and a world-domination video game so he can stop trying to instigate more world-wide conflict.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC): A primer on the difference between working behind a bar, as she did before landing in the U.S. House of Representatives, and being admitted to the legal bar, which so many of her Congressional colleagues have been.
Hunter Biden: Gainful employment that he at last can get and keep on his own, not due to daddy’s influence. Keep practicing these few words, Hunter: “Do you want fries with that?”
John Roberts: Our Supreme Court Chief Justice needs a two-liter bottle of spit, the better always to be ready to wet his finger and determine the way the political winds are blowing before he makes a decision on his next major case, or just ignores it completely.
Bill Gates: A furry white cat to sit on his lap and be stroked as Mr. Microsoft plans his world domination in the best James Bond villain tradition.
Elon Musk: The lead role in the next movie about the life and times of P.T. Barnum, he of the oft-cited quote “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Musk presides over Tesla, ostensibly a car company worth more than any other, including Toyota, despite earning its profit based on selling carbon credits, not automobiles.
Dr. Jill Biden: A compilation of quotes from the Dr. Leonard McCoy character in the old “Star Trek” series, who was known for saying often, with feeling, “I’m a doctor, not a (fill in the blank). Now, old Doc McCoy was supposed to be an actual physician, an MD, not a Dr. of education, as Dr. Biden is. But Jill seems a bit touchy when her title is not used, so if anyone forgets she’s a doctor, she can crack open the McCoy quote book and let them have it.
Mark Zuckerberg: A like, a follow and a friend request from Bill Gates’ white cat.
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