Fear not, dear readers, that inflation has ravaged families, that threats of lobbing nuclear weapons in Europe are on the upswing, that out-of-control illegal immigration is wrecking the country. No, the most fierce debate of the moment seems to be whether or not Haitian immigrants in and around Springfield, Ohio, are eating both domestic pets and wild animals from parks.
I’ve been taking a figurative cat nap from posting on the blog of late, but I have been keeping tabby of the situation and so feel inclined to get on(fe)line about it. Think of it as me marking my territory without spraying the walls, using the furniture as a scratching post, or roaming the neighborhood impregnating any willing receptors.
I’ve seen prominent types weighing in on the subject, but I desire more. So, in the spirit of LameStream media, where one just makes up what is necessary to promote a story, here’s my take on what high-profile types might have said about this pet consumption matter – if only we had bothered to ask.
Nancy Pelosi: Trust me, I’ve made millions investing in stocks and bonds using my special insights. If I thought I could finance my next cosmetic surgery by making a trade or two on the domestic cat meat market, I would be there in a heartbeat. Alas, the Haitians apparently butcher their own cat meat, so I’m going to have to settle for making millions trading Nvidia stock and options.
Eric Swalwell: I’m something of an expert on this, having consorted with a suspected Chinese spy for years. Both Tampon Tim Walz and I know from close contact with Chinese through the years that they love to eat cats and dogs. The World Population Review reported that China, Vietnam and Australia were three prominent countries consuming cats and dogs in 2024. If Haitian immigrants want to spread that custom to flyover states such as Ohio, I’m all for it. Besides, these Haitians, whether legal or illegal, are being put into the electoral system and I expect them to vote Democrat – early and often.
Bill Clinton: Sure, I have put cat meat in my mouth – everyone from my generation has. But I didn’t inhale, or swallow. And I didn’t have sex with that cat, Ms. Lewin . . .
Hillary Clinton: There have been times Bill came home with cat smell on his breath, but I stood by my man because, let’s face it, I had no political career beyond riding his coat tails. And what’s wrong with eating a cat, or dog, or an obnoxious Canada goose along the way. It’s not as deplorable as being a Trump supporter and trying to make America great again. I mean, that’s disgusting.
Barack Obama: I worry about people in Springfield clinging to guns, religion and their belief that there is something wrong with eating cats, dogs and wild geese. This is exactly the sort of change from traditional American values that I did my best to accomplish. And if I had a son, he’d probably be some cat-eating Haitian, perhaps named Trayvon.
Kamala Harris: So, to be clear, a cat is a member of the feline family. Big cats like lions and tigers, but not bears, oh my, are felines. I mean, coming from a middle class background, where we had to stretch to make ends meet, we never could afford the luxury of a cat, either as a pet or to eat. Excuse me, I’m talking here. So, we never had a cat, but I did ride a bus once to see one. I didn’t just fall out of a coconut tree, you know. And I assure you that if you vote for me, I will do all I can to help out the working class to do better economically. I’m thinking of a new slogan: A cat in every pot.
Taylor Swift: All you people offended by Haitians potentially eating cats or dogs, just shake it off. Kamala would have no problem with it, which is why I’m supporting her. I don’t care that those meanies at YouGov came out with a poll that only 8 percent of voters said my endorsement helped Kamala get their votes and 20 percent say it harmed her in terms of their voting. Understand, I’ve made a career lamenting bad choices in songs and I’m pretty sure my average fan has an IQ larger than their shoe size – unless they have big feet.
Unidentified Canada goose consumer: This man, who shall remain nameless, once confessed to having eaten part of a Canada goose he’d shot while hunting. Since Haitians are accused of killing and eating wild geese, his thoughts are instructive. He’s sad for Haitians, because he considered the Canada goose flesh some of the most repulsive matter he’d ever ingested. Going forward, he’d rather starve than eat more.
Stereotypical dumpy women in abortion rights political ads: Who is Trump or other political Neanderthals, to tell me what I can do with my body? If I want to eat cats, dogs, wild animals illegally harvested from public parks, I have that right. It’s my body! If I want to eat that aborted fetus, again, it’s my body.
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