What if Clueless Joe Biden’s farewell media tour included a stop at ESPN, where he was given the chance to pontificate on the cornucopia of football that begins tonight with a college playoff game at Notre Dame?
Given Joe’s penchant for shooting from the lip, without benefit of thought or reason, it would be entertaining. Here’s how we imagine it might go.
Q: Any thoughts on Indiana-Notre Dame to open the college football playoffs?
BIDEN: Come on, man! Indiana can’t play football. That’s the major college program with the most losses. But Notre Dame, I mean, Knuten Rockefeller, George Ripp, Arial Parhe, ge, se, you know what I mean. Gotta be Fighting Irish. Did I ever tell you about my Irish heritage? Just ask Cornpop, I was one mean fighter.
Q: Who are you picking in SMU at Penn State?
BIDEN: Can you believe that Franklin guy, not Ben, the Penn State coach? He’s whining about it being a break for students and so the stadium might not be full. And it’s going to be cold. You should love that, man. You got a team coming up from the south playing in a freezer. I guess now I know why he never wins the big one, like I beat Trump. Yeah, me. I beat Trump. They didn’t let me try again, but I did it. Franklin’s lucky Penn State doesn’t have a Nancy Pelosi to pull a coup on his losing butt.
Q: You like Tennessee or Ohio State?
BIDEN: Ohio’s a tough state for us Democrats. I mean, I didn’t win it. I don’t think a Democrat has won Ohio since I got Hunter his first sham job. But, hey, I kind of identify with the Buckeyes – the best team money can buy. You got to respect a college football team that they spent $20 million to assemble. Come to think of it, that’s not a whole lot. I mean, Kamala blew more than a billion bucks to lose big and ended up about $20 million in the hole. She could have duplicated Ohio State’s roster just for what she did in over-spending. As for Tennessee, we donkeys running for president haven’t won that state since 1996. Buckeyes, I say.
Q: Clemson-Texas?
BIDEN: Did I ever tell you about my great, great, great uncle Sam Houston William Travis Davey Crockett Biden? Died at the Alamo. Mexicans carried his body back across the Rio Grande and ate him. Cannibals! No joke! And Clemson — I’ll be a dog-faced pony soldier if I even know where Clemson is located. (Editor’s note: Biden was informed Clemson is in South Carolina, the same state where he showed up for a rally in February 2020 during his presidential run and proclaimed he was running for U.S. Senate). Right. Now I remember. I’m going with South Dakota.
Q: Before you have to go, Mr. President, there’s a big NFL game Saturday. You are from Delaware and the state has no pro football team, but Maryland is close and Baltimore’s Ravens are hosting the Pittsburgh Steelers. Thoughts?
A: Hey, you’re talking to Scranton Joe here. That’s in Pennsylvania, just like the Steelers. Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania, right? Or is this a trick question? Come on, man! Who do you think you’re talking to? Come to think of it, who are you talking to? Who am I? Why am I here? (Handlers whisper in his ear). Look, I’m tired of people beating down Lamar Jackson just because he’s about as good in the big moments as Kamala. I know he loses a lot to the Steelers, and looks bad doing it, sort of like me in that debate with Trump. Man, the Donald. Rough-spoken guy. I’d like to take him out behind the gym and kick his butt. But Jill and I still voted for him. Take that Barack, Nancy and Kamala. But back to football, in these times of rampant crime, got to go with Stealers, I mean Steelers.
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