Back in the day, when I wrote for my daily bread, I created the Answer Man column format, in which I not only answered questions, I asked them of myself.
Cutting out the middle man uncomplicated things.
In those days, I’d come up with names for the questioners and hometowns, all intended to further the theme. Today, we dispense with those details and just have questions and answers, denoted by Q and A, respectively. Call me lazy.
Q: What do Canada and Iran have in common today?
A: No, not that each would have better prospects as our 51st state. The correct answer is an NHL francise based in either country once again failed to win the Stanley Cup. To be fair, Iran has no NHL franchises. But Canada doesn’t have that excuse, hosting teams in Montreal, Toronto. Ottawa, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Calgary and Vancouver. That’s seven by my count, yet, Oh, Canada!, the last Canada-based team to win the Cup was Montreal in 1993. Just going by the math, a Canada-based team should win about every fourth year. And, yes, I know an abundance of NHL players are Canadian, but the captain of the repeat champion Florida Panthers is a Finn, their most high-profile player is an American and their super goalie is Russian. Now, all those butt-hurt Canada hockey fans can take a break from booing our National Anthem before games and stress chug some maple syrup.
Q: Have you seen any pictures from Huma Abedin’s wedding with Mini-Me Soros?
A: I have and many thoughts spring to mind. Abedin looks positively anorexic. If she and Letitia James jumped on a scale together and you divided the total by two, you’d have a pair of individuals of fairly normal weight. I mean, James looks like she could inhale Abdein without needing to burp. Beyond the starvation look, Abedin and the new hubby looked classic Living Dead. Mini-Me’s oversized glasses and ashen skin tone made him appear to be an albino Urkel. Nice to see Huma was able to snag a leftist billionaire after all that unfortunate stuff with first husband, the appropriately named, Anthony Weiner.
Q: What is your definition of America First?
A: Whatever President Trump wants it to be. I have no problems possibly giving Israel a hand delivering a bunker buster bomb to the Stanley Cup-less Iranians. And, for those hyperventilating about our nation once again being sucked into a multi-year Middle East war, relax and calm yourselves by viewing wedding photos of Abedin and Soros.
Q: What are your thoughts on attention seekers Alex Padilla and Whoopi Goldberg?
A: They’d be a match made in delusional hyperbole Heaven. Padilla thinks one can storm the speaker at a press conference and not expect retribution. I didn’t know he was a U.S. Senator, and apparently neither did the security people. But that is beside the point. I attended a lot of press conferences in my working days and never expected to be able to act that way without consequences. As for Whoopi and all the others equating life in these United States with everyday existence in Iran, please buy a one-way ticket and self-deport there. Just be careful with the bumper-to-bumper traffic streaming out of Tehran.
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