We are inundated with absurd takes on current events, a seemingly never-ending supply of inanity from those who should — and possibly do — know better. This prompts us to search for context by inserting such typical lunatic reasoning into everyday events and seeing how that plays out.
Consider first, a spelling bee at one of those ubiquitous Somali-run Minneapolis learning centers.
MODERATOR: Please spell the word “learning.”
YOUNG SOMALI CONTESTANT: 1,000 pardons (which is less than 25 percent of the pardons issued by your Clueless Joe Biden when he was the leader of this Great Satan country) could you use the word in a sentence?
MODERATOR: Yes. We are holding this spelling bee in a “learning” center.
CONTESTANT: Praise Allah, I will attempt to comply with your request. That would be L as in larceny. E as in embezzlement. A as in antisemitism. R as in racket. I as in infidel. N as in nefarious. G as in graft.
MODERATOR: Oh, sorry. You missed an N.
CONTESTANT: Again, 1,000 pardons (about the number of pardons Minnesota Democrats will require when this fraud investigation is completed) but I did have an N in my answer.
MODERATOR: That is correct, but the word “learning” has two N’s.
CONTESTANT: That is absolutely false and I fear I am beginning to detect Islamophobia. Did you not see the sign over the entrance? Clearly, it reads “Learing Center.”
MODERATOR: But, that was a mistake, a ridiculously basic error which has become a meme for the absurdity and corruption of these centers.
CONTESTANT: This is most regrettable. I humbly request another word, perhaps intifada. May this worthless one also suggest a sentence using the word: You will be subject to an intifada if you choose to remove me from this contest based on what you claim to be my misspelling of learning. As the useful leftist idiots who support me and others like me might say, we’re going to burn you, and this, down.
MODERATOR: Oh. Well, I guess that means you win, the rest of the spelling bee is canceled, and we can all go home. Nothing to see here.
Let us now move to a scene of football replay officials, be they college or pro, nitpicking ad nauseam videos that should elicit almost immediate verdicts, even as experts on the broadcasts think out loud regarding their eventual decision. In this case, they are looking at videos of the ICE shooting of an assailant, again in Minnesota.
REPLAY OFFICIAL 1: OK, do we have an angle that shows whether or not the individual hit the ICE officer with her vehicle?
REPLAY OFFICIAL 2: I’m hoping to land a gig with CNN, so I want to eliminate any such videos from this review and instead concentrate on videos that might call into doubt the behavior of the ICE officer.
BOOTH EXPERT: Fans on both sides are going crazy waiting for this crucial call. I’m not sure what they’re looking at. It seems pretty obvious to me.
TYPICAL ANNOUNCER: So, when you were officiating, did you face situations like this and how did you decide which way to call it?
BOOTH EXPERT: Well, again, back in the day, we had limited video and angles. But, in this case there is such clear and evident video, from pertinent angles, I can’t believe these guys are taking so long.
REPLAY OFFICIAL 1: What I’m seeing is the driver making a conscious effort to identify the ICE officer was in front of her vehicle, turning the wheels to point the vehicle toward him and, accelerating into him as the passenger seat occupant, who was back in the vehicle after trashtalking ICE people, urges her to go.
REPLAY OFFICIAL 2: Make sure CNN gets this next bit from me. I’m not sure the ICE officer had firm control of his firearm and both feet inbounds in front of the vehicle when the alleged, purported, supposed contact is claimed to have occurred, perhaps, possibly.
TYPICAL ANNOUNCER: An ironic coincidence just occurred to me. The shooting victim’s name was Renee Nicole Good, initials almost RNC, and when you type RNC into a Bing search, the entire first page of results has to do with the Republican National Committee. Just sayin’.
REPLAY OFFICIAL 1: I heard the network guys doing the game are getting impatient. As much as you LameStream media types and my fellow replay official would like to absolve the instigator of any guilt or responsibility, the video is clear, she committed the initial penalty and paid a price much stiffer than losing a few yards. Here’s more irony, considering her name, this truly was a Good shooting. Make sure Fox News gets that last bit.
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